It seems like someone is pushing us together. Any time I have had the slightest thought that it wasn't going to work out with Ryan, out of his mouth comes these words that I truly needed to hear. It is the WEIRDEST thing yet. I contacted him right away, he stated that he wasn't even able to go through with it. He stated that he wanted to try it because he had asked me to be with another woman. He wanted to see what it was like and that he realizes that he went about it all the wrong way. I spoke what I needed to say. I told him about how it was wrong for him to have lied about it.. yet he didn't even lie.. I caught it before it ever had time to grow. So for two days I was moping around the house, crying when I felt like it, feeling withdrawn from the world and people in general. For two days I felt like giving up on life in general.. it seemed as though I was going to lose the battle.. every battle.. I felt like I had failed as a woman, failed as a mother, failed as a girlfriend, a daughter, and as a friend. I was confused as to what I should do next? Should I move back to Colorado? Because then at least I would be able to see the boys on a regular basis...
The night of the big fiasco I couldn't sleep. I think I finally fell asleep at 4am. The next day I talked to Ryan and he acted as though nothing had happened. I was depressed. I didn't feel like cooking or eating, so I lived off of one meal a day which was breakfast.. eggs and bacon.. and lots of alcohol and beer. By that second night I still couldn't sleep so I texted his brother to ask him to send my GPS back to me as soon as he possibly could. I didn't tell him why, or complain about Ryan.. I simply asked for it back. The next morning Ryan called and said we should go on a trip to see the boys for a few days. I was astonished.. He said, I knew you were missing your boys but I just didn't know how much! It was as if someone told him I was missing my boys so much that I was thinking of going on a road trip by myself. I hadn't said anything out loud, or to anyone else about this idea.. so how did he know just how much I missed them and that I wanted to go see them since I couldn't have them for the month of June.
As far as the cheating issue goes, it didn't happen, it was only a thought, there's no harm in that.. He needs to explore sexually and engage in all there is.. I am just the person to do it. I didn't get mad about his exploratory ideas, I got mad and him hiding it from me. We had a big, long talk about all of it, he did a little confessing about his desires and one of them was for me to be more aggressive with what I want, whether it be when I want to have sex, or where and what I want to eat. I am sure going to try!!
Also, I talked to my ex's girlfriend, and found out that he is exactly the same, doing the same things and trying to control her the same way. It was a huge relief to me to hear that he is awful with money, watches porn as often as he can, and lies about everything. I found myself feeling very fortunate that I had rid myself of this man and that I was in a much healthier relationship. She also has family in Huston so she is willing to come down here and pick the boys up and take them back. Things are really turning out well for me!
