Self appreciation and love

Never have I had so much love and appreciation for myself as I do right now. Living with a man who works on an oil rig has been the best thing for me because for two weeks out of each month I am alone. I am able to eat what I want, when I want, wake up and go to sleep when I want. Do what I want, and no one is there to complain or suggest anything. I am one hundred percent in charge of my own self. And I LOVE IT!! Today I went for a walk and gathered dried flowers for the harvest of their seeds. I went to the grocery store of my choosing and took my time getting everything I wanted for the two week "vacation". When I came home I made the most amazing chicken fajitas with all the vegetables I wanted, filled the shells as full as I wanted and ate my perfectly cooked meal and relished in my amazing cooking skills. For the past 8 years I have been criticized for my cooking. I am actually not a bad cook, especially if I have no one around to talk to or distract me and I have as much time as I need to prepare and cook my meals. I clean up when I am finished and I do not ever make a mess. My house is always clean, my animals are always fed, my plants are always watered and taken care of and even my bed is made. I have an amazing life that I love and cherish. I am able to watch the birds outside, ride my four wheeler all over the 9 acres and I even made the cats a play house out of some left over boxes we had laying around. It is amazing, complete with peek-a-boo cut out windows and doors, plastic for them to rustle, sleeping area and nesting box. I also made a favorite cat toy with some plastic ribbon you use for gift wrapping bows and a stick. I get to go on walks all over the woods and collect things I find. Soon enough I will have a cart with wheels that I can connect to my four wheeler and I'll be able to collect multiple and large items! I will be doing some wood working soon and creating some really great art work. Ryan even brought home a large wooden spool to use as an outdoor table. There is a hole in the middle so we can put an umbrella there and we are going to cover the top in bottle caps and coat it with water proof stain. Another great art project! I'm the happiest I've ever been. Although I miss my children more and more every day and my ex-husband has tried to diminish my parenting time even further, down to 8 weeks of undetermined time throughout the year. He has told me over and over again for the past year that they will not be allowed to visit me until we have "paperwork" in place, and every time I have tried to arrange time for the boys to come down he has told me no or I didn't have the money to spend on a trip to get them and bring them back. What gives me peace of mind in the whole custody issue is that I have had a room with toys and a bed for them the whole time, as well as a home that I have been able to afford the whole time, the power has not once been shut off, I've had hot water and a car to drive. I have animals for the boys to enjoy and help take care of and I've had a large yard for them to play in. I even have a tire swing for them to enjoy because one of their favorite things to do is swing. I've been able to provide a stable, happy home for them to grow up in, and he knows that and I know that. The reason he has been trying so hard to keep the boys from coming down to visit me is because I have a better environment for them to live in and he things that they will never want to leave. And he is right. So I let him keep the boys there, in their miserable environment so they can miss me, and remember all the wonderful things that I do for them and how great and loving I am to them all the while they are stuck there having to share everything, not being able to afford anything, making promises that will either fall through or not be kept at all, while he pretends I cant afford them at all. Furthest thing from the truth. I am not willing to use Ryan's money, I would rather have my own job and use that money to pay for things for the boys. I would rather use my own money to pay off the debt that my ex-husband accrued under my name because he had such bad credit he couldn't get any phone in his name. That sure sucks for me now because everything was under my name, however Ryan has everything in his name and we always have money to pay the bills and our cars are paid for. I have the ability to finally get my debt paid off and my credit fixed. Which again makes me happier than anything. Again, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Especially since I have never felt like I was wanted by my family or my ex.. constantly being cheated on with heavier set girls than myself, and always having to listen to his music, watch TV shows he wanted, watch movies he wanted, do things when he wanted and do things he wanted. All the while he claims I had the ability to do what I wanted.. not true. So today I love myself more than I ever have before. I feel more confident, I am happy with the way my body looks, I am happy with the way that I handle stressful situations, and I am happy that I get everything taken care of all by myself. :D

syncronicities

It seems like someone is pushing us together. Any time I have had the slightest thought that it wasn't going to work out with Ryan, out of his mouth comes these words that I truly needed to hear. It is the WEIRDEST thing yet. I contacted him right away, he stated that he wasn't even able to go through with it. He stated that he wanted to try it because he had asked me to be with another woman. He wanted to see what it was like and that he realizes that he went about it all the wrong way. I spoke what I  needed to say. I told him about how it was wrong for him to have lied about it.. yet he didn't even lie.. I caught it before it ever had time to grow. So for two days I was moping around the house, crying when I felt like it, feeling withdrawn from the world and people in general. For two days I felt like giving up on life in general.. it seemed as though I was going to lose the battle.. every battle.. I felt like I had failed as a woman, failed as a mother, failed as a girlfriend, a daughter, and as a friend. I was confused as to what I should do next? Should I move back to Colorado? Because then at least I would be able to see the boys on a regular basis...
The night of the big fiasco I couldn't sleep. I think I finally fell asleep at 4am. The next day I talked to Ryan and he acted as though nothing had happened. I was depressed. I didn't feel like cooking or eating, so I lived off of one meal a day which was breakfast.. eggs and bacon.. and lots of alcohol and beer. By that second night I still couldn't sleep so I texted his brother to ask him to send my GPS back to me as soon as he possibly could. I didn't tell him why, or complain about Ryan.. I simply asked for it back. The next morning Ryan called and said we should go on a trip to see the boys for a few days. I was astonished.. He said, I knew you were missing your boys but I just didn't know how much! It was as if someone told him I was missing my boys so much that I was thinking of going on a road trip by myself. I hadn't said anything out loud, or to anyone else about this idea.. so how did he know just how much I missed them and that I wanted to go see them since I couldn't have them for the month of June.
As far as the cheating issue goes, it didn't happen, it was only a thought, there's no harm in that.. He needs to explore sexually and engage in all there is.. I am just the person to do it. I didn't get mad about his exploratory ideas, I got mad and him hiding it from me. We had a big, long talk about all of it, he did a little confessing about his desires and one of them was for me to be more aggressive with what I want, whether it be when I want to have sex, or where and what I want to eat. I am sure going to try!!
Also, I talked to my ex's girlfriend, and found out that he is exactly the same, doing the same things and trying to control her the same way. It was a huge relief to me to hear that he is awful with money, watches porn as often as he can, and lies about everything. I found myself feeling very fortunate that I had rid myself of this man and that I was in a much healthier relationship. She also has family in Huston so she is willing to come down here and pick the boys up and take them back. Things are really turning out well for me!

Feeling lost again. All I wanna know is Who am I? I keep trying to fit in with all these people when all I want is that one man who absolutely adores me and wants to do things to make me happier. I have friends. I should hang out with them more often but being around people usually exhausts me, especially if they are super negative and just complain about everything in life the whole time. Which is different than just complaining about a current situation in their life of course...
It's just that as much good is coming from this new relationship with Ryan, I really feel like he's full of shit. I really feel like he lied to me about "partying", which he admitted he liked to do on OCCASION. I mentioned that I enjoy smoking weed regularly rather than drinking. Being a mom, I don't get a lot of chances to just cut loose and party. so, I went ahead and allowed myself to cut loose and party while his brother was here for a few days. All I know is that the partying lifestyle was years ago for me. Sure it's fun once in awhile but I miss my boys. I miss the hugs and kisses. I miss waking up to them sleeping on the floor next to me or in my bed cuddled up to me. I miss making sure they brush their teeth and styling their hair. Pretty soon we'll make the drive up to Colorado to get them and they are going to disrupt our life in such a big way that I'm making myself anxious about it. I know what it's like as a family.. well, I know what it's like for me and my boys to live together with an absent parent popping in and out anyway... and I think I know how it's going to be when they get here. I hate the idea that he wont be that amazing father figure I need so badly for the boys.. someone positive and living..I guess we'll see in about a month.

Actually I got word that my ex wont let the boys come down until paperwork is complete and the earliest he could set the court hearing was july 5th! so.. I'll just wait til then and make a fun trip out of it. Tho it hardly feels fair, to me AND the boys..

Life was a lot more fun before it became my job to serve ryan. I was told it was my fucking job to cook and clean and get him something to drink because he works for two weeks, busting his ass. And I don't have a job anymore because he wanted me to quit because he doesn't like me to have any issues or problems. yet if there is a problem and he asks whats wrong he just gets mad and starts yelling. I've got myself into an even more controlling relationship than before, and I'm still not allowed to be upset or disagree with what they say. it's been 8 months and already he's threatened to end the relationship because he cant deal with me being upset or sad. how weird is that? Today I was making breakfast and he said I was so pretty and I had just gotten out of the shower and had no make up on and my hair pulled back into a ponytail.. I didn't feel pretty. and I said, stop it.. I'm not pretty right now! and I smiled.. but instead I got anger in return. It just seems like we're drifting apart.

This is Ryan. He is the love of my life. He has allowed me to be myself. So for the first time in my entire life I can be who I am. So, who am I?
 I am a 32 year old Bi-sexual woman who believes in witch craft, psychic abilities, other worlds, and aliens. I absolutely LOVE this planet and all the life on it, I am an extreme naturist and an animal fanatic. I absolutely just want to be free, but I want a home to come back to. I want to be free to enjoy all that life has to offer me, because I know I have a lot to give. I am the best of every kind of person, I am a girly girl and a tom boy, I love tattoos and piercings and pain.. I also really enjoy just being loved and cuddled and admired for my ability to be so many things. I am a child, a whore, a mother, and the only girl you would ever want to bring home to your mother. I live a secret life. Which no one knows about.
Ryan had an inkling that I was into girls. Back home in Havre, MT, I had struggled with being attracted to girls, my whole life. It just wasn't really ok to be gay. People made fun of you. However, being a lesbian would have been easier, I wasn't a full on lesbian either. I am a very rare case who enjoys the rush of pleasing a man with my mouth AND pleasing women with any means necessary. I am an erotic woman. I enjoy writing and reading erotic literature. I watch porn. My favorite scenes are, you guessed it, girl on girl, but I hate the kind that are all for show, I want to really see a girl go to town on a vagina.. fingers pumping, mouth sucking, groaning.. grabbing breasts, kissing... Uh! I get turned on just thinking about it. However, I also really enjoy two guys fucking a woman, rough, like really just using her holes.. really fucking away, hard and rough. My fantasy is to have a girl use a strap on, on me, underneath me while my man takes me from behind.. I want first to please her with my mouth and I want him to be pleasing me with his mouth, and then.. his cock. After my pussy has been creamed by me, I'd like to tighten that strap on and get on top of her, letting him fuck my ass.. giving me the most amazing double stuff ever. This has only been a fantasy, until now. Now I have the ability to make it a reality and I've never been happier.

Truth unleashed

So Saturday morning I sat down on the edge of the bed and I said, jarrod can I talk to you? And he said yea and stepped into the bedroom and sat down next to me. I said you know how you askes me 6months ago if I would marry you and I said no, I needed more time? Well I think enough time has gone by and I don't want to move with you, to the next place. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I think I really started leaning towards that choice after the eviction notice. I think now would be a good time to part ways. And he said well, why? I thought we had been doing good? And I replied, yea, we have had more good times than bad and it only took leaving everything I had built up in westminster for me to just be subjected to you and your family only then did we have the best time. I just think its time for us to end it I don't want to feel like this, angry mad person. To which he interupted, well I don't want to go through this every couple of months anymore and I said yes and there, see we both agree then. And he said he wasn't looking forward to this and he was mad and he wanted to know what I was going to do and I said I don't know yet but that I had a friend coming down from montana and he was going to help me figure some things out.  And he asked what his name was and I said ryan. And then he got pissed and asked how long and I said I don't know, a few hours at least, probly quite a few. And I told the boys I was going to go visit a friend from out of town and I would see them later.
Then they got in the car to go see a place that was now obsolete. It was then that I had a few minutes to decide if should bring a change of cloths, and toiletries but I decided it was possibly only one night, and if I took my toiletries it would be obvious that I wasn't coming back, I just didn't want it to be where's mom oh she's out with her new boyfriend she doesn't wanna be a mom right now... because that's totally how he's treatinng it now. But they were gone and so I left too, to meet my first boyfriend again agter not seeing each other since the early 2000's and only talking here and there. And we met up and it was instant chemistry and I was so immediatly filled with happiness and love that I knew right there this is where I was meant to be. So its funny how life can take you by surprise like that, because looking back on my youth and all of my decisions leading up to this point in my life, through all the good and bad choices I've made in life, to think that I would have made it back full circle to one of my first loves of my life.. that's pretty cool.
So, I'm out having a blissful afternoon which turns into evening and I get a phone call, 3 to be exact and I ignor them because I know its J wondering if ill be home.. which I'm obviously not going to be... and then the next day and then when I don't call Sunday night he gets worried, people are telling me that if ii go off and get myself murdered by some psycho ex boyfriend then the first person everyone will suspect is J. So he calls the police and files a missing persons report on me. So now its Monday evening and I finally have a tire on a car that ryan will let me use while he's gone, and I have his cell phone so he can call me anytime and we have a way of getting a hold of one another.. that's nice, and so I get a call from a local number and its the police looking for me, so I explain the whole thing, that I did let him know I was going to spend some time with ryan and that I didn't take any belongings because I hadn't expected to be gone for the whole weekend annd I thought since he wasn't working right now it wouldn't be a problem for him to take care of the boys for one school day. And the officer laughed and understood and said I should call my mother and let her know I was alright, and then J called all my family and appologized for making them worry, I was indeed ok and at home now and so I had a few freaked out family and friends who thought I might be back in havre... oh geez.. really? I tell my asshole of an exhusbad that I'm leaving him and I'm going to be with another man and he thinnks I'm dead..
So now its been a steady increase of anger and hostility for leaving him for another man, someone who was able to provide me with the one thing I needed most.. ultimate trust, love and loyalty. Trust in love and be loyal to the ones you do love, treat them with respect and admire their good qualities, follow through with what you say.

Nervous new begginings cont...

Little did I realize that I was pregnant with J's baby, because right before I asked for a divorce I had contacted an ex boyfriend I thought was a soul mate.. and he lived in colorado as well, so it had to be fate, right? He was in a relationship and so was I so I just made a sudden decision to go ahead and remove my IUD and have a 2nd baby with J, but after that happened, I just hit my limit of bullshit from J and made the decision to leave. It was during that 8 months of battling for custody and not getting to see my baby boy who was now 2 for months at a time and dealing with the physical and emotional turmoil of yet another and very un wanted pregnancy that I made the decision to move back to colorado so I could have more time with my son. In montana I had transfered my school credits and continued to go to school as well as work nights at a call center. This allowed me to have health insurance through the school. Upon moving back to colorado I transfered my credits to a technical institute which didn't offer any kind of benefits other an an education, and I was not able to get health insurance through my work and it wasn't until I was 8 months pregnant that I discoved medicaid and that's when I realized I was indeed 9 months pregnant and nearly ready to give birth! How in the world had I mis calculated an entire month, but having only two partners and knwong the exact days I had sex with them 9 months ago, I was able to figure out the baby was indeed J's and not my new partner.. who was also not working out because of communication issues. How did I mis calculate? Well I had become pregnant days after the IUD was removed and I simply spotted for the first month.
So I made a decision. The divorce had just finalized and I was about to have a baby with my ex husband and my current new relationship wasn't working out so I made the decision to try and work on our relationship so our children would have a family instead of two seperate families. It was during the next three years that I continued to go to school and work and he continued to work and go to school and have sexual conversations with various women on the computer. J started to isolate himself further and further into the computer. He asked me to marry him and I just couldn't, I needed time to make sure we were going to be ok. It was that uncertainty that propelled him into the world of denial and sexual exploration by chatting on the computer, having phone sex and sexting other women. It was also about this time that he got confirmation that he had indeed gotten another girl pregnant during that 8 month divorce process. He also made a choice to engage in a sexual affair with this girl. None of this was known to me. I was aware of the chat sessions, I tried to do the same and made it obvious that I was doing so, so that he knew what it felt like, and I did over hear the phone sex and then I later saw the texts.. I explained to J that I was not ok with this behavior and that I wanted out of the relationship once and for all. This again flung him into an outrage and he cried and pleaded and then explained how sorry he was and that he never knew that behavior was not ok to do while in a relationship... really? So I agreed to move to a new town, the one his other son lived in. Maybe we just needed a completely new start.. about halfway into this year, he asked me to marry him again, on a drunken night out, to which I again replied no. I needed more time to see how we were doing, had anything changed? Were we communicating better? Was he being faithful? I didn't have a job, and no daycare for our middle son, and once again bills were pilling up, cars broke and money had to be spent where it was not as useful to everyone. Which has brought me to this point. I've tried to endure our different point of view on child rearing methods, I've tried to take control of finances, and I've tried to work... but none of it has worked out in our favor. And so, it is time to end this relationship once and for all and move on. But having gone through this several times before and not having a job or childcare I am extremely nervous as to how it will go down... will he be angry? Will he be in agreance? How will I be able to find a place of my own? How will I be able to work when I have been the primary caregiver for the last year? I guess we'll see. Today is the day I admit to him that I want to split up. Today I am nervous.