Self appreciation and love

Never have I had so much love and appreciation for myself as I do right now. Living with a man who works on an oil rig has been the best thing for me because for two weeks out of each month I am alone. I am able to eat what I want, when I want, wake up and go to sleep when I want. Do what I want, and no one is there to complain or suggest anything. I am one hundred percent in charge of my own self. And I LOVE IT!! Today I went for a walk and gathered dried flowers for the harvest of their seeds. I went to the grocery store of my choosing and took my time getting everything I wanted for the two week "vacation". When I came home I made the most amazing chicken fajitas with all the vegetables I wanted, filled the shells as full as I wanted and ate my perfectly cooked meal and relished in my amazing cooking skills. For the past 8 years I have been criticized for my cooking. I am actually not a bad cook, especially if I have no one around to talk to or distract me and I have as much time as I need to prepare and cook my meals. I clean up when I am finished and I do not ever make a mess. My house is always clean, my animals are always fed, my plants are always watered and taken care of and even my bed is made. I have an amazing life that I love and cherish. I am able to watch the birds outside, ride my four wheeler all over the 9 acres and I even made the cats a play house out of some left over boxes we had laying around. It is amazing, complete with peek-a-boo cut out windows and doors, plastic for them to rustle, sleeping area and nesting box. I also made a favorite cat toy with some plastic ribbon you use for gift wrapping bows and a stick. I get to go on walks all over the woods and collect things I find. Soon enough I will have a cart with wheels that I can connect to my four wheeler and I'll be able to collect multiple and large items! I will be doing some wood working soon and creating some really great art work. Ryan even brought home a large wooden spool to use as an outdoor table. There is a hole in the middle so we can put an umbrella there and we are going to cover the top in bottle caps and coat it with water proof stain. Another great art project! I'm the happiest I've ever been. Although I miss my children more and more every day and my ex-husband has tried to diminish my parenting time even further, down to 8 weeks of undetermined time throughout the year. He has told me over and over again for the past year that they will not be allowed to visit me until we have "paperwork" in place, and every time I have tried to arrange time for the boys to come down he has told me no or I didn't have the money to spend on a trip to get them and bring them back. What gives me peace of mind in the whole custody issue is that I have had a room with toys and a bed for them the whole time, as well as a home that I have been able to afford the whole time, the power has not once been shut off, I've had hot water and a car to drive. I have animals for the boys to enjoy and help take care of and I've had a large yard for them to play in. I even have a tire swing for them to enjoy because one of their favorite things to do is swing. I've been able to provide a stable, happy home for them to grow up in, and he knows that and I know that. The reason he has been trying so hard to keep the boys from coming down to visit me is because I have a better environment for them to live in and he things that they will never want to leave. And he is right. So I let him keep the boys there, in their miserable environment so they can miss me, and remember all the wonderful things that I do for them and how great and loving I am to them all the while they are stuck there having to share everything, not being able to afford anything, making promises that will either fall through or not be kept at all, while he pretends I cant afford them at all. Furthest thing from the truth. I am not willing to use Ryan's money, I would rather have my own job and use that money to pay for things for the boys. I would rather use my own money to pay off the debt that my ex-husband accrued under my name because he had such bad credit he couldn't get any phone in his name. That sure sucks for me now because everything was under my name, however Ryan has everything in his name and we always have money to pay the bills and our cars are paid for. I have the ability to finally get my debt paid off and my credit fixed. Which again makes me happier than anything. Again, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Especially since I have never felt like I was wanted by my family or my ex.. constantly being cheated on with heavier set girls than myself, and always having to listen to his music, watch TV shows he wanted, watch movies he wanted, do things when he wanted and do things he wanted. All the while he claims I had the ability to do what I wanted.. not true. So today I love myself more than I ever have before. I feel more confident, I am happy with the way my body looks, I am happy with the way that I handle stressful situations, and I am happy that I get everything taken care of all by myself. :D