Final chapter

I think I found my happily ever after, with the one I started out with.. my first kiss, my first 2nd base.. ahhh love. We're bothh in our 30's, he's working a demanding job, I'm a stay at home mom babysitting jarrod's youngest sister's daughter, Lily, who is 9 days apart. Her senior. And the one day I just lose it, maybe they came to shut the gas off and I was trying to hide that put me over... maybe it was they're (the twin cousins) inability to use words to solve a problem... or the way they can both get on my nreves because they are learning to do things for themselves. Stuburn little shits anyhow.. I'm a firm believer in telling a child what the appropriate choice would be rather then just yell about what they did.. if I smoke pot I'm less likely to come unravled because of a tiff. Usually it makes me be. Able. To calmly talk to each child and explain the situation and what they could have done to try and understand one another and explain mis understandings... most other people yell at the kid about what bad behavior they were doing.. they know what they were doing, they need too know why it was wrong or bad.
I feel excited for the first time in a really long time. I feel really happy with my choices I've made because they've brought me to this point in my life that I would have breakdowns and ask god to help me somehow.. to send. Me a good man, one whose heart still has pure intensions. The one who looks badass, the sexy cowboy, the redneck montana boy... he has the most perfect job for him.. he gets dirty, he tells people what to do and they love and respect him for. Taking good care of them.
He was looking for a woman who could put up. With him, who wouldn't mind the long work schedule.
Not only do tattoo'd cowboy look good in a hard hat and dirt, but he sure cleaned up nice too.. good lord I feel blessed. This is going to be the best part of my life and no one can ruin it because tattoo'd. Cowboy won't let me be down. He wants to make me happy, spoil the shit out of me, and all I can say is that I sooooo deserve this man... and I can't wait to see him after 17 years roughly.. he's so physically attractive it intimidates me and then I remember he knows I had kids and he doesn't care, he still thinks I'm beautiful..

I just have to say it somewhere.. I'm so fucking happy about every shitty thing that has ever happened in my life, because it built my character, gave me strength and passion to go for what I want out of life.
For all I've ever wanted, from the time I was 5, was a family and people who liked me. I wanted to be loved and taken care of, I wanted to be free and still have that security that comes with flying... I am so thrilled to be starting a family with ryan, I have admired him from afar for soooo long, wishing I could tell him I like him.. but living in fear is no longer an option. I'm leaving one chapter of my life behind and starting to build a family and a home to come home to with ryan. He's so much like me, with his values and what he truly wants is a home to come to and a good woman to help him take care of everything in life, someone to enjoy life with, someone who won't be upset when you want to do something because its the same stuff you like. He's a gypsy just like me, both our family lives in the same area so holidays will be easy and I never have to worry about not being able to see them whenever I can. I get to have my own home, an awesome hardworking man who is truly everything I love in a man, he's soft and sweet and tender with words and how can you deny two people who have always enjoyed each others company, who have always been sexually attracted to one another, and who want to live in the woods and have everything you've ever wanted right there, plus I get to have kids and send them off to stay with their dad and I get private aline time with my husband.. I couldn't ask for a better deal, I love his job, being gone for so many days in a row, yea it sucks when something is going to break or be trouble for me and I won't have someone around right there to help, but at least I have someone who wants to build and fix.. just like me.. someone who loves cars as much as I do.. he is absolutely perfect for me in every single possible way. He's a mechanic, he loves working on cars and fixing them, he loves hunting and shooting and blowing things up, he like to light things on fire and destroy things. Me too.. so do my boys.. he's dying to have some kids whom he can instill his wisdom and knowledge about this world with. That's what I want to be like with my boys too.. I always feel like instead of hiding it from them, let them try, learn, explore so that they can understand fully if they want to do that, if its not the right age for them to be doing that.. they just need mentouring. They are going to love it so much.. getting to play with toys, eating dinner as a family at the kitchen table, going out on a boat, he's interested in tying knots and knows how to catch fish really well and can't wait to teach us.. he eats a lot of fish, wich is one of the things I've begging J to do. Its just funny, how opposite he is from every relationship I've ever ended.. and that's why I feel sooo good about this one. He really is so attractive to me, from his height to the tattoos to the kinds of tattoos he has, to his mouth, to his sweet heart and loving and cariing way. He is so rough neck motherfucker, yet so polite and easy to like because he's real, and he's not an idiot.. you can tell by the types of conversations people have how they react to one another. I'm so fucking happy to have fouund my good ol country boy, rough neck motherfucker, outlaw cowboy riding on a steel horse... lookin to settle down with a good woman who he can trust, someone who loves him for him and not for what he can give someone.