Truth unleashed

So Saturday morning I sat down on the edge of the bed and I said, jarrod can I talk to you? And he said yea and stepped into the bedroom and sat down next to me. I said you know how you askes me 6months ago if I would marry you and I said no, I needed more time? Well I think enough time has gone by and I don't want to move with you, to the next place. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I think I really started leaning towards that choice after the eviction notice. I think now would be a good time to part ways. And he said well, why? I thought we had been doing good? And I replied, yea, we have had more good times than bad and it only took leaving everything I had built up in westminster for me to just be subjected to you and your family only then did we have the best time. I just think its time for us to end it I don't want to feel like this, angry mad person. To which he interupted, well I don't want to go through this every couple of months anymore and I said yes and there, see we both agree then. And he said he wasn't looking forward to this and he was mad and he wanted to know what I was going to do and I said I don't know yet but that I had a friend coming down from montana and he was going to help me figure some things out.  And he asked what his name was and I said ryan. And then he got pissed and asked how long and I said I don't know, a few hours at least, probly quite a few. And I told the boys I was going to go visit a friend from out of town and I would see them later.
Then they got in the car to go see a place that was now obsolete. It was then that I had a few minutes to decide if should bring a change of cloths, and toiletries but I decided it was possibly only one night, and if I took my toiletries it would be obvious that I wasn't coming back, I just didn't want it to be where's mom oh she's out with her new boyfriend she doesn't wanna be a mom right now... because that's totally how he's treatinng it now. But they were gone and so I left too, to meet my first boyfriend again agter not seeing each other since the early 2000's and only talking here and there. And we met up and it was instant chemistry and I was so immediatly filled with happiness and love that I knew right there this is where I was meant to be. So its funny how life can take you by surprise like that, because looking back on my youth and all of my decisions leading up to this point in my life, through all the good and bad choices I've made in life, to think that I would have made it back full circle to one of my first loves of my life.. that's pretty cool.
So, I'm out having a blissful afternoon which turns into evening and I get a phone call, 3 to be exact and I ignor them because I know its J wondering if ill be home.. which I'm obviously not going to be... and then the next day and then when I don't call Sunday night he gets worried, people are telling me that if ii go off and get myself murdered by some psycho ex boyfriend then the first person everyone will suspect is J. So he calls the police and files a missing persons report on me. So now its Monday evening and I finally have a tire on a car that ryan will let me use while he's gone, and I have his cell phone so he can call me anytime and we have a way of getting a hold of one another.. that's nice, and so I get a call from a local number and its the police looking for me, so I explain the whole thing, that I did let him know I was going to spend some time with ryan and that I didn't take any belongings because I hadn't expected to be gone for the whole weekend annd I thought since he wasn't working right now it wouldn't be a problem for him to take care of the boys for one school day. And the officer laughed and understood and said I should call my mother and let her know I was alright, and then J called all my family and appologized for making them worry, I was indeed ok and at home now and so I had a few freaked out family and friends who thought I might be back in havre... oh geez.. really? I tell my asshole of an exhusbad that I'm leaving him and I'm going to be with another man and he thinnks I'm dead..
So now its been a steady increase of anger and hostility for leaving him for another man, someone who was able to provide me with the one thing I needed most.. ultimate trust, love and loyalty. Trust in love and be loyal to the ones you do love, treat them with respect and admire their good qualities, follow through with what you say.

Nervous new begginings cont...

Little did I realize that I was pregnant with J's baby, because right before I asked for a divorce I had contacted an ex boyfriend I thought was a soul mate.. and he lived in colorado as well, so it had to be fate, right? He was in a relationship and so was I so I just made a sudden decision to go ahead and remove my IUD and have a 2nd baby with J, but after that happened, I just hit my limit of bullshit from J and made the decision to leave. It was during that 8 months of battling for custody and not getting to see my baby boy who was now 2 for months at a time and dealing with the physical and emotional turmoil of yet another and very un wanted pregnancy that I made the decision to move back to colorado so I could have more time with my son. In montana I had transfered my school credits and continued to go to school as well as work nights at a call center. This allowed me to have health insurance through the school. Upon moving back to colorado I transfered my credits to a technical institute which didn't offer any kind of benefits other an an education, and I was not able to get health insurance through my work and it wasn't until I was 8 months pregnant that I discoved medicaid and that's when I realized I was indeed 9 months pregnant and nearly ready to give birth! How in the world had I mis calculated an entire month, but having only two partners and knwong the exact days I had sex with them 9 months ago, I was able to figure out the baby was indeed J's and not my new partner.. who was also not working out because of communication issues. How did I mis calculate? Well I had become pregnant days after the IUD was removed and I simply spotted for the first month.
So I made a decision. The divorce had just finalized and I was about to have a baby with my ex husband and my current new relationship wasn't working out so I made the decision to try and work on our relationship so our children would have a family instead of two seperate families. It was during the next three years that I continued to go to school and work and he continued to work and go to school and have sexual conversations with various women on the computer. J started to isolate himself further and further into the computer. He asked me to marry him and I just couldn't, I needed time to make sure we were going to be ok. It was that uncertainty that propelled him into the world of denial and sexual exploration by chatting on the computer, having phone sex and sexting other women. It was also about this time that he got confirmation that he had indeed gotten another girl pregnant during that 8 month divorce process. He also made a choice to engage in a sexual affair with this girl. None of this was known to me. I was aware of the chat sessions, I tried to do the same and made it obvious that I was doing so, so that he knew what it felt like, and I did over hear the phone sex and then I later saw the texts.. I explained to J that I was not ok with this behavior and that I wanted out of the relationship once and for all. This again flung him into an outrage and he cried and pleaded and then explained how sorry he was and that he never knew that behavior was not ok to do while in a relationship... really? So I agreed to move to a new town, the one his other son lived in. Maybe we just needed a completely new start.. about halfway into this year, he asked me to marry him again, on a drunken night out, to which I again replied no. I needed more time to see how we were doing, had anything changed? Were we communicating better? Was he being faithful? I didn't have a job, and no daycare for our middle son, and once again bills were pilling up, cars broke and money had to be spent where it was not as useful to everyone. Which has brought me to this point. I've tried to endure our different point of view on child rearing methods, I've tried to take control of finances, and I've tried to work... but none of it has worked out in our favor. And so, it is time to end this relationship once and for all and move on. But having gone through this several times before and not having a job or childcare I am extremely nervous as to how it will go down... will he be angry? Will he be in agreance? How will I be able to find a place of my own? How will I be able to work when I have been the primary caregiver for the last year? I guess we'll see. Today is the day I admit to him that I want to split up. Today I am nervous.

Nervous new begginings

Today I am so nervous, yesterday my stomach hurt so bad I thought maybe something other than nerves might be wrong with me. See, today I need to say outloud that I no longer feel like continuing on in my relationship. Our youngest is 4 years old, that means we gave it three years of not actual effort and one honest to god real try, for an entire year...
You see, I've known from the day I let J stay the night in my studio apt over 8 years ago, that he would be in my life somehow, forever. This was not a romantic awareness, it was simply a feeling in my gut as I gazed upon him snoring in my bed during the daytime hours after I got home from working at the school I was trying to attend but could not afford.
So, facing an eviction because I simply was not making enough money at my bazillion jobs at DU's presteigious Ritchie Center to pay for rent, food, electricity, and car insurance... not to mention books and other school supplies. I didn't exactly have time for partying yet one of the girls I worked with convinced me that ladies night at a big bar/club was what I needed. That's when I saw J.  I thought he looked good, long hair, nice cloths, quiet. He was more like a burned out, drop out who was squatting in a house that was being rennovated by a mexican crew who either knew about J and his demonic roomate or they were just stupid. I was told that the owner of the house was allowing them to rent the place for cheap since they really only had access to half the house, mainly the first bedroom, which nobody used, and the living room which had a tv with 'free cable' and two couches, which is where J and his demonic over weight demon worshiping mexican slept. I should have run for the hills. But I saw an adventure and I thought J was kind of cute with his long hair. He offered me weed, which has been my drug of choice since I was 14.
Over the next following weeks, I lost my place, moved half of my stuff into his bedroom, half into his roomates grandmothers back bedroom, where I agreed to pay 575 dollars to live in, and half of it into one of my sister's house who happened to live in the far far mountain range of Look Out Mountain. I had originally asked her if I could stay with her, but having just lost her oldest son to a supposed suicide, she was an emotional mess and unable to deal with me, talk to me, help me understand life. She was my role model, the one woman I most wanted to be like. I thought she was a fantastic mom, but she had also developed the poor communication skills passed down from our mother. So she yelled at me about irresponsible I was, which was true, I was a college student, 21 years old, brand new to city living, trying to understand how to survive in the only other town I had ever lived in my whole life. I needed guidence from someone who knew city life, who knew what to watch out for, who could point me in the right direction, however she had just had a baby and just lost her oldest son to a completely unexpected "suicide" just a month before her youngests' birth.
I could hardly blame her, so I made the choice to live with J's roomate's grandmother who told me that the money would be spent on food, and electricity and water so I didn't have to worry about anything other than not telling anyone tha I lived there or she'd get her section 8 taken away. I also had to give her a ride whenever she needed it. To every dollar store and pharmacy and mexican grocery store all over the grater metro area. Living near Casa Bonita and the infamous Colfax, I learned about low income living, dealing drugs, gangsters, demonic worship and that nobody was to be trusted. It was an adventure for sure. J and I quickly decided that we should get our own place so we found a place at the Crystal Rose apartment complex near Martin Luther King St. and Colorado blvd. So for those of you who don't know about that particular area of denver, it is primarily a black and somewhat mexican neighborhood. We were the minority. That was the first time I had ever been talked down to, verbally abused and hated in general simply because of my skin color. I was told by J that the colors red and blue were NOT to be worn around these parts or I would be shot for sure. The car my mother bought for me was stolen, I no loner worked at the Ritchie Center because those jobs were 'workstudy' jobs and since I was unable to pay for books, or college and I had missed too many classes because of my mouning the loss of my nephew, I had to quit school. So I took the bus, while J used my car to go to work, and I started a new career path as an administrative assistant to the largest adult retail and porn shop in all of colorado, Fascinations. I was horrible at first but because of my office experience from the Ritchie Center I quickly figured out how to account for all the money coming in and going out of the store. I somehow grew into an adult who could be responsible for the well being of a large chain, I became the fastest admin and trained multiple people, as well as took on other job responsibilities such as fixing clocked hours of employees, ordering supplies and money, and sending products back to the multiple vendors. I found that I enjoyed the power I had, I also enjoyed the sexual education I received and soon I became pregnant. It was about that time that I realized I did not want to be with J because he was pushy and controling and all he wanted to do was party. He drove my car across a deep median and across oncoming traffic, right into a fenced field, trashing my car and nearly killing himself. This was my first realization that he had a drinking problem.
Because I had already said yes to marrying him, which went down like this.. will you marry me, well.. I really feel like we should be together for like 5 years before getting married.. and he replied, well I think that if you love someone, you have the rest of your lives to get to know them and it should be an instant yes instead.. so what do ya say, will you marry me? And after a long pause, I said yes. We were both drunk.
Now, coming from a home where I was a latch key child, a change of life baby, and raised as an only child because my closest sibling was 9 years older than me... I didn't want to be a single mom, ever. I decided that because I had said yes, that must have meant I loved him at some point, right? No, it meant I was scared of living in the big city alone with a child who's father had explicitly threatened that I better not ever ask for a divorce or try to abort the baby, not that I had even considered that, but that's how the situation had been explained to me. So we got married, I had the baby and we moved closer to my job where I continued to work but only for a short period of time, because I had no childcare. It was during this time that J struggled with the lose of his identity as a single man and the new reponsibilities of being a father and the sole bread winner of his family. He took on a 5 year long apprenticeship program which required him to work 5 days a week and go to night school 3 days a week. It was during that time that he would be gone all day and all night and then go out to strip clubs and party until 3 am, often leaving me home alone for three consecutive says in a row and want to have sex when he would get home. Which was not on my mind since he would often pee his pants on the way home and reek of booze and urine. He became agressive and moody and we would fight and bills would not get paid because money was being spent of him eating out, gas for the car, and of course partying, there was little money left over for rent and bills and baby nessecities. It was about this time that our luck ran out and we had to move in with his parents. He continued to leave me for days and nights on end and the fighting became more agressive and I made it clear that I was not happy with our relationship. We decided we should get our own place and I would work at a daycare and that was where I would put our son while I worked. I enrolled into school again after several years of not going or rather after I got into a relationship with J. So we tried again and it continued to get worse, we invited a cousin of his to stay with us until he got back on his feet under the impression that he might help us out if needed. The fighting got worse and more and more frequent until not even his cousin could stand to live there. I asked for a divorce which threw J into an aggressive spiral of anger and sadness. He promised he would change and that we would indeed go to couples counseling, but I had already had enough and was unwilling to be lied to or taken advantage of any more. So I packed everything I loved or needed into my jeep grand cherokee and I left, back home to montana. This was apparently the wrong way to handle the situation because he got a court order to get custody of our son and that started an 8 month long custody battle in which I realized that I had become pregnant...