Nervous new begginings

Today I am so nervous, yesterday my stomach hurt so bad I thought maybe something other than nerves might be wrong with me. See, today I need to say outloud that I no longer feel like continuing on in my relationship. Our youngest is 4 years old, that means we gave it three years of not actual effort and one honest to god real try, for an entire year...
You see, I've known from the day I let J stay the night in my studio apt over 8 years ago, that he would be in my life somehow, forever. This was not a romantic awareness, it was simply a feeling in my gut as I gazed upon him snoring in my bed during the daytime hours after I got home from working at the school I was trying to attend but could not afford.
So, facing an eviction because I simply was not making enough money at my bazillion jobs at DU's presteigious Ritchie Center to pay for rent, food, electricity, and car insurance... not to mention books and other school supplies. I didn't exactly have time for partying yet one of the girls I worked with convinced me that ladies night at a big bar/club was what I needed. That's when I saw J.  I thought he looked good, long hair, nice cloths, quiet. He was more like a burned out, drop out who was squatting in a house that was being rennovated by a mexican crew who either knew about J and his demonic roomate or they were just stupid. I was told that the owner of the house was allowing them to rent the place for cheap since they really only had access to half the house, mainly the first bedroom, which nobody used, and the living room which had a tv with 'free cable' and two couches, which is where J and his demonic over weight demon worshiping mexican slept. I should have run for the hills. But I saw an adventure and I thought J was kind of cute with his long hair. He offered me weed, which has been my drug of choice since I was 14.
Over the next following weeks, I lost my place, moved half of my stuff into his bedroom, half into his roomates grandmothers back bedroom, where I agreed to pay 575 dollars to live in, and half of it into one of my sister's house who happened to live in the far far mountain range of Look Out Mountain. I had originally asked her if I could stay with her, but having just lost her oldest son to a supposed suicide, she was an emotional mess and unable to deal with me, talk to me, help me understand life. She was my role model, the one woman I most wanted to be like. I thought she was a fantastic mom, but she had also developed the poor communication skills passed down from our mother. So she yelled at me about irresponsible I was, which was true, I was a college student, 21 years old, brand new to city living, trying to understand how to survive in the only other town I had ever lived in my whole life. I needed guidence from someone who knew city life, who knew what to watch out for, who could point me in the right direction, however she had just had a baby and just lost her oldest son to a completely unexpected "suicide" just a month before her youngests' birth.
I could hardly blame her, so I made the choice to live with J's roomate's grandmother who told me that the money would be spent on food, and electricity and water so I didn't have to worry about anything other than not telling anyone tha I lived there or she'd get her section 8 taken away. I also had to give her a ride whenever she needed it. To every dollar store and pharmacy and mexican grocery store all over the grater metro area. Living near Casa Bonita and the infamous Colfax, I learned about low income living, dealing drugs, gangsters, demonic worship and that nobody was to be trusted. It was an adventure for sure. J and I quickly decided that we should get our own place so we found a place at the Crystal Rose apartment complex near Martin Luther King St. and Colorado blvd. So for those of you who don't know about that particular area of denver, it is primarily a black and somewhat mexican neighborhood. We were the minority. That was the first time I had ever been talked down to, verbally abused and hated in general simply because of my skin color. I was told by J that the colors red and blue were NOT to be worn around these parts or I would be shot for sure. The car my mother bought for me was stolen, I no loner worked at the Ritchie Center because those jobs were 'workstudy' jobs and since I was unable to pay for books, or college and I had missed too many classes because of my mouning the loss of my nephew, I had to quit school. So I took the bus, while J used my car to go to work, and I started a new career path as an administrative assistant to the largest adult retail and porn shop in all of colorado, Fascinations. I was horrible at first but because of my office experience from the Ritchie Center I quickly figured out how to account for all the money coming in and going out of the store. I somehow grew into an adult who could be responsible for the well being of a large chain, I became the fastest admin and trained multiple people, as well as took on other job responsibilities such as fixing clocked hours of employees, ordering supplies and money, and sending products back to the multiple vendors. I found that I enjoyed the power I had, I also enjoyed the sexual education I received and soon I became pregnant. It was about that time that I realized I did not want to be with J because he was pushy and controling and all he wanted to do was party. He drove my car across a deep median and across oncoming traffic, right into a fenced field, trashing my car and nearly killing himself. This was my first realization that he had a drinking problem.
Because I had already said yes to marrying him, which went down like this.. will you marry me, well.. I really feel like we should be together for like 5 years before getting married.. and he replied, well I think that if you love someone, you have the rest of your lives to get to know them and it should be an instant yes instead.. so what do ya say, will you marry me? And after a long pause, I said yes. We were both drunk.
Now, coming from a home where I was a latch key child, a change of life baby, and raised as an only child because my closest sibling was 9 years older than me... I didn't want to be a single mom, ever. I decided that because I had said yes, that must have meant I loved him at some point, right? No, it meant I was scared of living in the big city alone with a child who's father had explicitly threatened that I better not ever ask for a divorce or try to abort the baby, not that I had even considered that, but that's how the situation had been explained to me. So we got married, I had the baby and we moved closer to my job where I continued to work but only for a short period of time, because I had no childcare. It was during this time that J struggled with the lose of his identity as a single man and the new reponsibilities of being a father and the sole bread winner of his family. He took on a 5 year long apprenticeship program which required him to work 5 days a week and go to night school 3 days a week. It was during that time that he would be gone all day and all night and then go out to strip clubs and party until 3 am, often leaving me home alone for three consecutive says in a row and want to have sex when he would get home. Which was not on my mind since he would often pee his pants on the way home and reek of booze and urine. He became agressive and moody and we would fight and bills would not get paid because money was being spent of him eating out, gas for the car, and of course partying, there was little money left over for rent and bills and baby nessecities. It was about this time that our luck ran out and we had to move in with his parents. He continued to leave me for days and nights on end and the fighting became more agressive and I made it clear that I was not happy with our relationship. We decided we should get our own place and I would work at a daycare and that was where I would put our son while I worked. I enrolled into school again after several years of not going or rather after I got into a relationship with J. So we tried again and it continued to get worse, we invited a cousin of his to stay with us until he got back on his feet under the impression that he might help us out if needed. The fighting got worse and more and more frequent until not even his cousin could stand to live there. I asked for a divorce which threw J into an aggressive spiral of anger and sadness. He promised he would change and that we would indeed go to couples counseling, but I had already had enough and was unwilling to be lied to or taken advantage of any more. So I packed everything I loved or needed into my jeep grand cherokee and I left, back home to montana. This was apparently the wrong way to handle the situation because he got a court order to get custody of our son and that started an 8 month long custody battle in which I realized that I had become pregnant...