Nervous new begginings cont...

Little did I realize that I was pregnant with J's baby, because right before I asked for a divorce I had contacted an ex boyfriend I thought was a soul mate.. and he lived in colorado as well, so it had to be fate, right? He was in a relationship and so was I so I just made a sudden decision to go ahead and remove my IUD and have a 2nd baby with J, but after that happened, I just hit my limit of bullshit from J and made the decision to leave. It was during that 8 months of battling for custody and not getting to see my baby boy who was now 2 for months at a time and dealing with the physical and emotional turmoil of yet another and very un wanted pregnancy that I made the decision to move back to colorado so I could have more time with my son. In montana I had transfered my school credits and continued to go to school as well as work nights at a call center. This allowed me to have health insurance through the school. Upon moving back to colorado I transfered my credits to a technical institute which didn't offer any kind of benefits other an an education, and I was not able to get health insurance through my work and it wasn't until I was 8 months pregnant that I discoved medicaid and that's when I realized I was indeed 9 months pregnant and nearly ready to give birth! How in the world had I mis calculated an entire month, but having only two partners and knwong the exact days I had sex with them 9 months ago, I was able to figure out the baby was indeed J's and not my new partner.. who was also not working out because of communication issues. How did I mis calculate? Well I had become pregnant days after the IUD was removed and I simply spotted for the first month.
So I made a decision. The divorce had just finalized and I was about to have a baby with my ex husband and my current new relationship wasn't working out so I made the decision to try and work on our relationship so our children would have a family instead of two seperate families. It was during the next three years that I continued to go to school and work and he continued to work and go to school and have sexual conversations with various women on the computer. J started to isolate himself further and further into the computer. He asked me to marry him and I just couldn't, I needed time to make sure we were going to be ok. It was that uncertainty that propelled him into the world of denial and sexual exploration by chatting on the computer, having phone sex and sexting other women. It was also about this time that he got confirmation that he had indeed gotten another girl pregnant during that 8 month divorce process. He also made a choice to engage in a sexual affair with this girl. None of this was known to me. I was aware of the chat sessions, I tried to do the same and made it obvious that I was doing so, so that he knew what it felt like, and I did over hear the phone sex and then I later saw the texts.. I explained to J that I was not ok with this behavior and that I wanted out of the relationship once and for all. This again flung him into an outrage and he cried and pleaded and then explained how sorry he was and that he never knew that behavior was not ok to do while in a relationship... really? So I agreed to move to a new town, the one his other son lived in. Maybe we just needed a completely new start.. about halfway into this year, he asked me to marry him again, on a drunken night out, to which I again replied no. I needed more time to see how we were doing, had anything changed? Were we communicating better? Was he being faithful? I didn't have a job, and no daycare for our middle son, and once again bills were pilling up, cars broke and money had to be spent where it was not as useful to everyone. Which has brought me to this point. I've tried to endure our different point of view on child rearing methods, I've tried to take control of finances, and I've tried to work... but none of it has worked out in our favor. And so, it is time to end this relationship once and for all and move on. But having gone through this several times before and not having a job or childcare I am extremely nervous as to how it will go down... will he be angry? Will he be in agreance? How will I be able to find a place of my own? How will I be able to work when I have been the primary caregiver for the last year? I guess we'll see. Today is the day I admit to him that I want to split up. Today I am nervous.