Feeling lost again. All I wanna know is Who am I? I keep trying to fit in with all these people when all I want is that one man who absolutely adores me and wants to do things to make me happier. I have friends. I should hang out with them more often but being around people usually exhausts me, especially if they are super negative and just complain about everything in life the whole time. Which is different than just complaining about a current situation in their life of course...
It's just that as much good is coming from this new relationship with Ryan, I really feel like he's full of shit. I really feel like he lied to me about "partying", which he admitted he liked to do on OCCASION. I mentioned that I enjoy smoking weed regularly rather than drinking. Being a mom, I don't get a lot of chances to just cut loose and party. so, I went ahead and allowed myself to cut loose and party while his brother was here for a few days. All I know is that the partying lifestyle was years ago for me. Sure it's fun once in awhile but I miss my boys. I miss the hugs and kisses. I miss waking up to them sleeping on the floor next to me or in my bed cuddled up to me. I miss making sure they brush their teeth and styling their hair. Pretty soon we'll make the drive up to Colorado to get them and they are going to disrupt our life in such a big way that I'm making myself anxious about it. I know what it's like as a family.. well, I know what it's like for me and my boys to live together with an absent parent popping in and out anyway... and I think I know how it's going to be when they get here. I hate the idea that he wont be that amazing father figure I need so badly for the boys.. someone positive and living..I guess we'll see in about a month.

Actually I got word that my ex wont let the boys come down until paperwork is complete and the earliest he could set the court hearing was july 5th! so.. I'll just wait til then and make a fun trip out of it. Tho it hardly feels fair, to me AND the boys..

Life was a lot more fun before it became my job to serve ryan. I was told it was my fucking job to cook and clean and get him something to drink because he works for two weeks, busting his ass. And I don't have a job anymore because he wanted me to quit because he doesn't like me to have any issues or problems. yet if there is a problem and he asks whats wrong he just gets mad and starts yelling. I've got myself into an even more controlling relationship than before, and I'm still not allowed to be upset or disagree with what they say. it's been 8 months and already he's threatened to end the relationship because he cant deal with me being upset or sad. how weird is that? Today I was making breakfast and he said I was so pretty and I had just gotten out of the shower and had no make up on and my hair pulled back into a ponytail.. I didn't feel pretty. and I said, stop it.. I'm not pretty right now! and I smiled.. but instead I got anger in return. It just seems like we're drifting apart.

This is Ryan. He is the love of my life. He has allowed me to be myself. So for the first time in my entire life I can be who I am. So, who am I?
 I am a 32 year old Bi-sexual woman who believes in witch craft, psychic abilities, other worlds, and aliens. I absolutely LOVE this planet and all the life on it, I am an extreme naturist and an animal fanatic. I absolutely just want to be free, but I want a home to come back to. I want to be free to enjoy all that life has to offer me, because I know I have a lot to give. I am the best of every kind of person, I am a girly girl and a tom boy, I love tattoos and piercings and pain.. I also really enjoy just being loved and cuddled and admired for my ability to be so many things. I am a child, a whore, a mother, and the only girl you would ever want to bring home to your mother. I live a secret life. Which no one knows about.
Ryan had an inkling that I was into girls. Back home in Havre, MT, I had struggled with being attracted to girls, my whole life. It just wasn't really ok to be gay. People made fun of you. However, being a lesbian would have been easier, I wasn't a full on lesbian either. I am a very rare case who enjoys the rush of pleasing a man with my mouth AND pleasing women with any means necessary. I am an erotic woman. I enjoy writing and reading erotic literature. I watch porn. My favorite scenes are, you guessed it, girl on girl, but I hate the kind that are all for show, I want to really see a girl go to town on a vagina.. fingers pumping, mouth sucking, groaning.. grabbing breasts, kissing... Uh! I get turned on just thinking about it. However, I also really enjoy two guys fucking a woman, rough, like really just using her holes.. really fucking away, hard and rough. My fantasy is to have a girl use a strap on, on me, underneath me while my man takes me from behind.. I want first to please her with my mouth and I want him to be pleasing me with his mouth, and then.. his cock. After my pussy has been creamed by me, I'd like to tighten that strap on and get on top of her, letting him fuck my ass.. giving me the most amazing double stuff ever. This has only been a fantasy, until now. Now I have the ability to make it a reality and I've never been happier.