Feeling lost again. All I wanna know is Who am I? I keep trying to fit in with all these people when all I want is that one man who absolutely adores me and wants to do things to make me happier. I have friends. I should hang out with them more often but being around people usually exhausts me, especially if they are super negative and just complain about everything in life the whole time. Which is different than just complaining about a current situation in their life of course...
It's just that as much good is coming from this new relationship with Ryan, I really feel like he's full of shit. I really feel like he lied to me about "partying", which he admitted he liked to do on OCCASION. I mentioned that I enjoy smoking weed regularly rather than drinking. Being a mom, I don't get a lot of chances to just cut loose and party. so, I went ahead and allowed myself to cut loose and party while his brother was here for a few days. All I know is that the partying lifestyle was years ago for me. Sure it's fun once in awhile but I miss my boys. I miss the hugs and kisses. I miss waking up to them sleeping on the floor next to me or in my bed cuddled up to me. I miss making sure they brush their teeth and styling their hair. Pretty soon we'll make the drive up to Colorado to get them and they are going to disrupt our life in such a big way that I'm making myself anxious about it. I know what it's like as a family.. well, I know what it's like for me and my boys to live together with an absent parent popping in and out anyway... and I think I know how it's going to be when they get here. I hate the idea that he wont be that amazing father figure I need so badly for the boys.. someone positive and living..I guess we'll see in about a month.

Actually I got word that my ex wont let the boys come down until paperwork is complete and the earliest he could set the court hearing was july 5th! so.. I'll just wait til then and make a fun trip out of it. Tho it hardly feels fair, to me AND the boys..