Self appreciation and love

Never have I had so much love and appreciation for myself as I do right now. Living with a man who works on an oil rig has been the best thing for me because for two weeks out of each month I am alone. I am able to eat what I want, when I want, wake up and go to sleep when I want. Do what I want, and no one is there to complain or suggest anything. I am one hundred percent in charge of my own self. And I LOVE IT!! Today I went for a walk and gathered dried flowers for the harvest of their seeds. I went to the grocery store of my choosing and took my time getting everything I wanted for the two week "vacation". When I came home I made the most amazing chicken fajitas with all the vegetables I wanted, filled the shells as full as I wanted and ate my perfectly cooked meal and relished in my amazing cooking skills. For the past 8 years I have been criticized for my cooking. I am actually not a bad cook, especially if I have no one around to talk to or distract me and I have as much time as I need to prepare and cook my meals. I clean up when I am finished and I do not ever make a mess. My house is always clean, my animals are always fed, my plants are always watered and taken care of and even my bed is made. I have an amazing life that I love and cherish. I am able to watch the birds outside, ride my four wheeler all over the 9 acres and I even made the cats a play house out of some left over boxes we had laying around. It is amazing, complete with peek-a-boo cut out windows and doors, plastic for them to rustle, sleeping area and nesting box. I also made a favorite cat toy with some plastic ribbon you use for gift wrapping bows and a stick. I get to go on walks all over the woods and collect things I find. Soon enough I will have a cart with wheels that I can connect to my four wheeler and I'll be able to collect multiple and large items! I will be doing some wood working soon and creating some really great art work. Ryan even brought home a large wooden spool to use as an outdoor table. There is a hole in the middle so we can put an umbrella there and we are going to cover the top in bottle caps and coat it with water proof stain. Another great art project! I'm the happiest I've ever been. Although I miss my children more and more every day and my ex-husband has tried to diminish my parenting time even further, down to 8 weeks of undetermined time throughout the year. He has told me over and over again for the past year that they will not be allowed to visit me until we have "paperwork" in place, and every time I have tried to arrange time for the boys to come down he has told me no or I didn't have the money to spend on a trip to get them and bring them back. What gives me peace of mind in the whole custody issue is that I have had a room with toys and a bed for them the whole time, as well as a home that I have been able to afford the whole time, the power has not once been shut off, I've had hot water and a car to drive. I have animals for the boys to enjoy and help take care of and I've had a large yard for them to play in. I even have a tire swing for them to enjoy because one of their favorite things to do is swing. I've been able to provide a stable, happy home for them to grow up in, and he knows that and I know that. The reason he has been trying so hard to keep the boys from coming down to visit me is because I have a better environment for them to live in and he things that they will never want to leave. And he is right. So I let him keep the boys there, in their miserable environment so they can miss me, and remember all the wonderful things that I do for them and how great and loving I am to them all the while they are stuck there having to share everything, not being able to afford anything, making promises that will either fall through or not be kept at all, while he pretends I cant afford them at all. Furthest thing from the truth. I am not willing to use Ryan's money, I would rather have my own job and use that money to pay for things for the boys. I would rather use my own money to pay off the debt that my ex-husband accrued under my name because he had such bad credit he couldn't get any phone in his name. That sure sucks for me now because everything was under my name, however Ryan has everything in his name and we always have money to pay the bills and our cars are paid for. I have the ability to finally get my debt paid off and my credit fixed. Which again makes me happier than anything. Again, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Especially since I have never felt like I was wanted by my family or my ex.. constantly being cheated on with heavier set girls than myself, and always having to listen to his music, watch TV shows he wanted, watch movies he wanted, do things when he wanted and do things he wanted. All the while he claims I had the ability to do what I wanted.. not true. So today I love myself more than I ever have before. I feel more confident, I am happy with the way my body looks, I am happy with the way that I handle stressful situations, and I am happy that I get everything taken care of all by myself. :D

syncronicities

It seems like someone is pushing us together. Any time I have had the slightest thought that it wasn't going to work out with Ryan, out of his mouth comes these words that I truly needed to hear. It is the WEIRDEST thing yet. I contacted him right away, he stated that he wasn't even able to go through with it. He stated that he wanted to try it because he had asked me to be with another woman. He wanted to see what it was like and that he realizes that he went about it all the wrong way. I spoke what I  needed to say. I told him about how it was wrong for him to have lied about it.. yet he didn't even lie.. I caught it before it ever had time to grow. So for two days I was moping around the house, crying when I felt like it, feeling withdrawn from the world and people in general. For two days I felt like giving up on life in general.. it seemed as though I was going to lose the battle.. every battle.. I felt like I had failed as a woman, failed as a mother, failed as a girlfriend, a daughter, and as a friend. I was confused as to what I should do next? Should I move back to Colorado? Because then at least I would be able to see the boys on a regular basis...
The night of the big fiasco I couldn't sleep. I think I finally fell asleep at 4am. The next day I talked to Ryan and he acted as though nothing had happened. I was depressed. I didn't feel like cooking or eating, so I lived off of one meal a day which was breakfast.. eggs and bacon.. and lots of alcohol and beer. By that second night I still couldn't sleep so I texted his brother to ask him to send my GPS back to me as soon as he possibly could. I didn't tell him why, or complain about Ryan.. I simply asked for it back. The next morning Ryan called and said we should go on a trip to see the boys for a few days. I was astonished.. He said, I knew you were missing your boys but I just didn't know how much! It was as if someone told him I was missing my boys so much that I was thinking of going on a road trip by myself. I hadn't said anything out loud, or to anyone else about this idea.. so how did he know just how much I missed them and that I wanted to go see them since I couldn't have them for the month of June.
As far as the cheating issue goes, it didn't happen, it was only a thought, there's no harm in that.. He needs to explore sexually and engage in all there is.. I am just the person to do it. I didn't get mad about his exploratory ideas, I got mad and him hiding it from me. We had a big, long talk about all of it, he did a little confessing about his desires and one of them was for me to be more aggressive with what I want, whether it be when I want to have sex, or where and what I want to eat. I am sure going to try!!
Also, I talked to my ex's girlfriend, and found out that he is exactly the same, doing the same things and trying to control her the same way. It was a huge relief to me to hear that he is awful with money, watches porn as often as he can, and lies about everything. I found myself feeling very fortunate that I had rid myself of this man and that I was in a much healthier relationship. She also has family in Huston so she is willing to come down here and pick the boys up and take them back. Things are really turning out well for me!

Feeling lost again. All I wanna know is Who am I? I keep trying to fit in with all these people when all I want is that one man who absolutely adores me and wants to do things to make me happier. I have friends. I should hang out with them more often but being around people usually exhausts me, especially if they are super negative and just complain about everything in life the whole time. Which is different than just complaining about a current situation in their life of course...
It's just that as much good is coming from this new relationship with Ryan, I really feel like he's full of shit. I really feel like he lied to me about "partying", which he admitted he liked to do on OCCASION. I mentioned that I enjoy smoking weed regularly rather than drinking. Being a mom, I don't get a lot of chances to just cut loose and party. so, I went ahead and allowed myself to cut loose and party while his brother was here for a few days. All I know is that the partying lifestyle was years ago for me. Sure it's fun once in awhile but I miss my boys. I miss the hugs and kisses. I miss waking up to them sleeping on the floor next to me or in my bed cuddled up to me. I miss making sure they brush their teeth and styling their hair. Pretty soon we'll make the drive up to Colorado to get them and they are going to disrupt our life in such a big way that I'm making myself anxious about it. I know what it's like as a family.. well, I know what it's like for me and my boys to live together with an absent parent popping in and out anyway... and I think I know how it's going to be when they get here. I hate the idea that he wont be that amazing father figure I need so badly for the boys.. someone positive and living..I guess we'll see in about a month.

Actually I got word that my ex wont let the boys come down until paperwork is complete and the earliest he could set the court hearing was july 5th! so.. I'll just wait til then and make a fun trip out of it. Tho it hardly feels fair, to me AND the boys..

Life was a lot more fun before it became my job to serve ryan. I was told it was my fucking job to cook and clean and get him something to drink because he works for two weeks, busting his ass. And I don't have a job anymore because he wanted me to quit because he doesn't like me to have any issues or problems. yet if there is a problem and he asks whats wrong he just gets mad and starts yelling. I've got myself into an even more controlling relationship than before, and I'm still not allowed to be upset or disagree with what they say. it's been 8 months and already he's threatened to end the relationship because he cant deal with me being upset or sad. how weird is that? Today I was making breakfast and he said I was so pretty and I had just gotten out of the shower and had no make up on and my hair pulled back into a ponytail.. I didn't feel pretty. and I said, stop it.. I'm not pretty right now! and I smiled.. but instead I got anger in return. It just seems like we're drifting apart.

This is Ryan. He is the love of my life. He has allowed me to be myself. So for the first time in my entire life I can be who I am. So, who am I?
 I am a 32 year old Bi-sexual woman who believes in witch craft, psychic abilities, other worlds, and aliens. I absolutely LOVE this planet and all the life on it, I am an extreme naturist and an animal fanatic. I absolutely just want to be free, but I want a home to come back to. I want to be free to enjoy all that life has to offer me, because I know I have a lot to give. I am the best of every kind of person, I am a girly girl and a tom boy, I love tattoos and piercings and pain.. I also really enjoy just being loved and cuddled and admired for my ability to be so many things. I am a child, a whore, a mother, and the only girl you would ever want to bring home to your mother. I live a secret life. Which no one knows about.
Ryan had an inkling that I was into girls. Back home in Havre, MT, I had struggled with being attracted to girls, my whole life. It just wasn't really ok to be gay. People made fun of you. However, being a lesbian would have been easier, I wasn't a full on lesbian either. I am a very rare case who enjoys the rush of pleasing a man with my mouth AND pleasing women with any means necessary. I am an erotic woman. I enjoy writing and reading erotic literature. I watch porn. My favorite scenes are, you guessed it, girl on girl, but I hate the kind that are all for show, I want to really see a girl go to town on a vagina.. fingers pumping, mouth sucking, groaning.. grabbing breasts, kissing... Uh! I get turned on just thinking about it. However, I also really enjoy two guys fucking a woman, rough, like really just using her holes.. really fucking away, hard and rough. My fantasy is to have a girl use a strap on, on me, underneath me while my man takes me from behind.. I want first to please her with my mouth and I want him to be pleasing me with his mouth, and then.. his cock. After my pussy has been creamed by me, I'd like to tighten that strap on and get on top of her, letting him fuck my ass.. giving me the most amazing double stuff ever. This has only been a fantasy, until now. Now I have the ability to make it a reality and I've never been happier.